Ok then....

SO...

I currently sit here a mess and a half... I want to beg for help, and hope someone can help me out but I know it's futile. B/c the help I need only I can give myself, and as much as I may need others... I won't accept it, ever. So I'll remain this dark, confused, messy, shell of what once was a human forever, but I realized something...

Maybe, instead of fixing a lost cause, I should try to spend my life dedicated to helping others avoid the same mistakes I made. Teach parents not to let their children follow similar paths to me, or if they want to provide social outlets and learning centers, make it easier for others to avoid this path I follow, because anything that might be considered remotely similar... would suck, seriously would...

I figure if I can't fix my own self, and my own past... Maybe I can fix others' tomorrow you know?

Hah!

Right... So... Yeah it's been quiet and yeah I haven't finsihed/uploaded the story so far... This past week or two have been like the equivalent of hell-in-a-rollercoaster, so to say I have been constantly feeling exhausted is an understatement and to say that my mind has been everywhere but earth would be a pretty accurate statement >_>


Graduation, chick issues, and me and my usual insanity has left my drained, although I'm hoping to be able to finish it and update a bit more here so... yeah...

In the mean time, twenty bucks to whomever can tell me what this is from:

The ending to your story has been written in blood,
and the beginning of mine was penned in tears
Whose each belongs to not even the fates know
And no god will take our words back, no hope will save
us from the neverending hell we entered, without even
knowing the truth behind our teenage dreams.

The road of our dreams was destroyed by despair,
and any future either of us had was done in by the unknown.
So now all we can do is ask if it was worth it,
letting something so great turn into something so horrible
not even worst sinners would dare repeat our actions.

Was any of it ever true?
The long nights spent dreaming about tomorrow
and the long days we wished would never end,
were they all a dream of mines? Or were they
the child of your misconceptions.

The ending to your story has been written blood
and the beginning of mine was penned in tears,
and it's too late to worry about why or how,
or who was at fault. We're now doomed to hell
together after all, so tell me: was it worth it?

Life is... o_o

So another rant, ish, type thing... At least, there was supposed to be one here. There was something I really wanted to post here, but I seem to have forgotten, or at least, it's decided to hide from my conscious mind >_>' Then again, this usually happens to the number of actually intelligent thoughts that cross my head on the walk home; they get forgotten the second I open the door to my room. FML.

Anyways, This year is now almost halfway over, and HOLY JESUS CHRIST IN HELL has it been one heck of a year so far, seriously. Calling it a rocket-propelled rollercoaster through hell wouldn't even begin to describe how wild it's been, the ups, the downs, the weird-wtfs, everything, and the best part is: The best has yet to come. So, fun crap, and it's only getting better, but I think it's gonna peak next week and then summer will be nothing but a never ending source of boredom till I go off to uni.

I'ma try to make it less boring, but chances of succeeding are slim so, meh. Worse comes to worse, I'll spend the summer catching up on anime, games, and enjoying what it feels like to be able to not give a rats ass for as long as I can: Plus a job, hopefully. Besides, I'll probably be shitting bricks all summer over what will come in the fall so, lawlz.

Oh, remembered part of it. I think I really don't want the (school) year to end, because on top of the fact I really don't want to graduate (yet) I feel I'll lose contact with a few individuals I've met that I really wish I could keep talking to. Knowing how I am, and knowing the fact I may be on the other side of the pond for the first semester of freshman year, it's likely to happen, and it would suck. Because over the past few days I realized that I jumped the gun (AGAIN, holy shit, records are being set aren't they?) and the chick who I thought wouldn't talk to me, in fact is; And I enjoy talking to her, a lot, I don't want to lose that, but we'll see.

There's a couple more, and they know who they are, that I'll no doubt miss but one of them's likely not to stop texting me :P and the other... I dunno :/  we'll have to see how it goes. I dunno, I just feel like it's happening too quickly and too soon after I actually managed to make friends in this damn school for me to leave. I just hope the lessons I've learned this past year and a half hold true and stay in my mind for the next few years, hell knows I'll lead them.

Oh, well there goes the remainder of the rant into my head, just remembered, but this is getting long and boring enough so I'll save it for another time, that one is just mindless dribble so not much is lost, I'm sure.

Random Thought: It is easier to paint oneself an enemy of the world and pretend not to belong then it is to accept the truth and truly deal with it.

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." -Epicness

K well.

Taking a break atm from the character bios for my latest story (I wanted to get these done first because more so than my usual writing, this one is almost entirely character-centric so I thought if I can get them hammered out in my head I can make 'em flow a bit better later on) to go on a small rant about lulzshit.

Recently I've started playing chess again. Why? I have not the slightest fcking idea, if anyone else does, feel free to hit me up and explain it to me, because I really have no idea. And by again I mean, for the first time seriously. I learned to play when I was younger and played the odd game every now and again, but never more than like once a week at best so, yeah, never really that into it. But now I am, for some completely unknown reason, and not surprisingly: I suck.

Although I've noticed it's allowed me to make a comparison between how I tend to deal w/ life in general and how it's actually pretty well mirrored in Chess. I've noticed I can't really see too far into chess, at best five turns, or if I get lucky 10, but when I look that far into it, I tend to overlook a whole ton of crap which usually leads me to getting destroyed because I lost sight of the board. And I also don't really play to win, I just play to stagnate the game for as long as I can, just overwhelm the little moves and pull off one or two really good moves usually centered around initiating a massive tradeoff or trapping their queen and slaughtering it like a little piggy. In other words: pretty single minded playing.

Which is, in no short way, how I tend to deal w/ and think about right. Pretty single minded when I get focused on a goal, or when I look at the bigger picture I shit bricks and become unable to move... I don't really plan to... succeed? Excel? in any one area or thing in life, I just aim to make the little moments as enjoyable as possible. Kill the boredom in between, let the end be what it will be. The destination isn't what matters, but it's the path that makes all the difference. That kind of thing you get me? Granted, that kind of thinking leads me down some lulzy paths in life, but hey, at least it's better than doing nothing at all like I would otherwise do >_>

I dunno, I've noticed that not only do I not just think that far, I sabotage myself and never really give me a chance to succeed. Let those qualified and deserving of it to have a fulfilling life and let them reach their goals (just like in chess, let the others have their victory, just give me my two minutes of glory) just let me have my choice on how to get there. I dunno, often times I don't think I should succeed, and many other times I realize I'm making a stupid choice and I know I shouldn't because it's going to fuck me over.... But I end up making it anyways, sometimes for that same damn reason. Same way w/ chess.

What is it with me and finding hidden meanings and comparisons in everything lately? Can anyone explain this shit to me?

New Story Idea?

I had an idea for a new story, except if I start it, this one, I will have to finish, and sort of want to get some feedback first (Horrible place to ask for it right? Lulzghostsreadingthisareawesome) anyways, here's the info:

Teenage main character, goes by the name of Paul Endri, 18years old, senior in high school but not graduating due to a variety of reasons, not the least of which is an overwhelming amount of absences. His life roughly revolves around his band which was a major catalyst behind his basically dropping out of high school. Only thing is, he's the only one in his band that didn't graduate, and isn't going off to college or the military, so he'll be forced to fend for himself. Curerntly residing in his friend's, Mike, apartment. Mike is part of the band, the bassist, and shipping off to the military in a few month's time, at which point Paul will have to look for a cheaper place that is willing to accept him as a tenant. To add to the downfall of his mental sanity, the chick of his dreams that he'd been trying hard for over a year to impress turned him down rather painfully, and since his only real skill is playing a guitar, he can't get a job.

When he begins to realize exactly how screwed he is, his sanity starts to visually degrade as he pulls Hamlet-esque soul-searching scenes while at the same time growing increasingly aggressive. Part of it culminates in what could be called a massive brawl between him and his bandmates, intiated by him of course, picking a fight with all of them out of his own desperation. A couple hours afters the fact, the four band members (well three, one's completely out of it in a pot-induced coma) are now calming down, when Tom, the pothead drummer of the band says something:

-Tom:"Y'know man, it's like god's a dj you know?"
-Paul(Protagonist, Guitarist):"Shut up Tom, you're high again!"
-Tom:"I'm serious man! Ever been to a gig where all they play is those songs that just drive you insane and screw with your head? Well its sort of like that... Except the playlist being played is really bad luck for you man."
-Paul:"Mike, tell him he's too high to make any fucking sense would ya?"
-Mike(Bassist):"I dunno dude, it sorta makes sense, you're forced to dance to the tunes the dj plays, and if he plays a bunch of shitty ones in a row, then what can you do about it y'know?"
-Paul:"Christ Mike, you too?"
-Tom:"Just think about it man! It's like the shitty hand you were just talking about is god's playlist."
-Mike:"Y'know I hate to agree with Tom on much of anything, especially when he's on a couple dozen pounds of that shit, but I think the 'lil idiot's on to something."
-Paul:"Even if he is right with that stupid little bit of info? What the hell am I supposed to do with it Mike? Dress it up and call it my barbie and play with it? Jesus christ Mike, we're not kids anymore - It's not like I can just storm the stage and play my own damn songs..."

And from there it just sort of.. grows. The scene outlined stands out strongly in my head and I can actually visualize that one scene, and various others throughout the plot, but meh.

Questions, ideas, suggestions, comments, anything?

Music Timez

So, in lieu of a rant or some depressing shit, here's a music update...

Fourth Drink Instinct - By Cute is what we aim for
Endless - by Etro Anime
Purest One - by Etro Anime
The Clincher - by Chevelle
All Along the Watchtower - by God (AKA: Jimmy Hendrix)

At the time when it happens, you do mean it

So, I decided to post something up here from an assignment for AP Lit... It's sorta foolish and lawlzy, not gonna lie, but I think that an extra +1 on the subject that I think I've already dedicated like... three posts to, won't hurt. So yeah.... Anyways, the assignment was to, from the given list of quotes, to think of event that a quote reminds us of, and then to write a poem, passage, or "written musing" on the event and it's relevance to the quote... The quote was the title of this post... "At the time when it happens, you do mean it" from 1984 and I was doing a written musing on it... Anyways, here goes a copy/pasta, be warned: It's Lengthy. 

Basically (and this is a written “musing”) part of being a teenager is sort of that you make stupid choices and as a senior in high school more often than not it means one of the last few “carte blanc” periods that one has to make stupid choices. It would be safe to say that out of all those, very few are meant, but the ones that are, tend to be unintentionally stupid choices.

What is actually a pretty recent action could be said to be a… stupid decision, in retrospect. I mean, it was jumping the guns by leaps and bounds, not going to bother denying that. And sure, it wasn’t the most thought out of ideas, but given the chance to go back and re-do it, ten times out of ten: I would. Because, literally, at the time, I meant it and I’d be lying to myself if I said that what I feel and think now is similar to my thoughts at the time. It’d be erroneus to state that even now I regret the original action, sure I wish the later course and the snowballing that occurred would have been better accounted for and dealt with; But that original spark will forever be true at that point in time.

Looking back at it now, I realize that it was a pretty hardheaded idea, and why it even occurred to me in the first place, or why I went along with it – being that the only other accomplice was my own sanity – but it was, for all it’s faults, events that I enjoyed and really think needed to have happened, for better or for worse. I’d be wrong if I even began to believe that the ultimate consequences make up for any gains that may have occurred, and sure later on down the line the whole event may seem silly and I’d take back even what I write now; But wouldn’t that just be proof of the quote, and it’s meanings?

I mean I lost any chance at getting to know better someone whom I think genuinely has to be one of the most… entertaining? - Dunno the exact word for it… Great to hang out with? The phrase works, but not grammaticaly, but I digress - I have ever met, and one whom I strongly think I could have been at least close friends with. Which is saying something for one such as me, who is wary of those he calls friends, but I can’t help but know this much for a cold, hard, fact. Even after the event neither of us can deny that the chance existed, and the more hopeful wandering thoughts would like to believe they still do,  but the facts are what they are, emotions (or lack thereof) removed from the equation.

When I asked her out after only knowing her a few weeks, and the awesome times we had, I fully meant it, and what I said to her at the time. Now, sure, they may have just been said in the euphoria and I realize this, but my cognitive interpretation of my actions now don’t change the facts from the past. They don’t change that every word I was saying, at the time, and albeit deluded and slightly brain-dead (Thank you, AP classes), were totally heartfelt and honest.

Like I said, later on down the line I may come to view even the impulse as foolish, but that would just serve to place greater value behind the truth of this quote in at least this, foolish aspect.