Ok then....

SO...

I currently sit here a mess and a half... I want to beg for help, and hope someone can help me out but I know it's futile. B/c the help I need only I can give myself, and as much as I may need others... I won't accept it, ever. So I'll remain this dark, confused, messy, shell of what once was a human forever, but I realized something...

Maybe, instead of fixing a lost cause, I should try to spend my life dedicated to helping others avoid the same mistakes I made. Teach parents not to let their children follow similar paths to me, or if they want to provide social outlets and learning centers, make it easier for others to avoid this path I follow, because anything that might be considered remotely similar... would suck, seriously would...

I figure if I can't fix my own self, and my own past... Maybe I can fix others' tomorrow you know?

Hah!

Right... So... Yeah it's been quiet and yeah I haven't finsihed/uploaded the story so far... This past week or two have been like the equivalent of hell-in-a-rollercoaster, so to say I have been constantly feeling exhausted is an understatement and to say that my mind has been everywhere but earth would be a pretty accurate statement >_>


Graduation, chick issues, and me and my usual insanity has left my drained, although I'm hoping to be able to finish it and update a bit more here so... yeah...

In the mean time, twenty bucks to whomever can tell me what this is from:

The ending to your story has been written in blood,
and the beginning of mine was penned in tears
Whose each belongs to not even the fates know
And no god will take our words back, no hope will save
us from the neverending hell we entered, without even
knowing the truth behind our teenage dreams.

The road of our dreams was destroyed by despair,
and any future either of us had was done in by the unknown.
So now all we can do is ask if it was worth it,
letting something so great turn into something so horrible
not even worst sinners would dare repeat our actions.

Was any of it ever true?
The long nights spent dreaming about tomorrow
and the long days we wished would never end,
were they all a dream of mines? Or were they
the child of your misconceptions.

The ending to your story has been written blood
and the beginning of mine was penned in tears,
and it's too late to worry about why or how,
or who was at fault. We're now doomed to hell
together after all, so tell me: was it worth it?

Life is... o_o

So another rant, ish, type thing... At least, there was supposed to be one here. There was something I really wanted to post here, but I seem to have forgotten, or at least, it's decided to hide from my conscious mind >_>' Then again, this usually happens to the number of actually intelligent thoughts that cross my head on the walk home; they get forgotten the second I open the door to my room. FML.

Anyways, This year is now almost halfway over, and HOLY JESUS CHRIST IN HELL has it been one heck of a year so far, seriously. Calling it a rocket-propelled rollercoaster through hell wouldn't even begin to describe how wild it's been, the ups, the downs, the weird-wtfs, everything, and the best part is: The best has yet to come. So, fun crap, and it's only getting better, but I think it's gonna peak next week and then summer will be nothing but a never ending source of boredom till I go off to uni.

I'ma try to make it less boring, but chances of succeeding are slim so, meh. Worse comes to worse, I'll spend the summer catching up on anime, games, and enjoying what it feels like to be able to not give a rats ass for as long as I can: Plus a job, hopefully. Besides, I'll probably be shitting bricks all summer over what will come in the fall so, lawlz.

Oh, remembered part of it. I think I really don't want the (school) year to end, because on top of the fact I really don't want to graduate (yet) I feel I'll lose contact with a few individuals I've met that I really wish I could keep talking to. Knowing how I am, and knowing the fact I may be on the other side of the pond for the first semester of freshman year, it's likely to happen, and it would suck. Because over the past few days I realized that I jumped the gun (AGAIN, holy shit, records are being set aren't they?) and the chick who I thought wouldn't talk to me, in fact is; And I enjoy talking to her, a lot, I don't want to lose that, but we'll see.

There's a couple more, and they know who they are, that I'll no doubt miss but one of them's likely not to stop texting me :P and the other... I dunno :/  we'll have to see how it goes. I dunno, I just feel like it's happening too quickly and too soon after I actually managed to make friends in this damn school for me to leave. I just hope the lessons I've learned this past year and a half hold true and stay in my mind for the next few years, hell knows I'll lead them.

Oh, well there goes the remainder of the rant into my head, just remembered, but this is getting long and boring enough so I'll save it for another time, that one is just mindless dribble so not much is lost, I'm sure.

Random Thought: It is easier to paint oneself an enemy of the world and pretend not to belong then it is to accept the truth and truly deal with it.

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." -Epicness

K well.

Taking a break atm from the character bios for my latest story (I wanted to get these done first because more so than my usual writing, this one is almost entirely character-centric so I thought if I can get them hammered out in my head I can make 'em flow a bit better later on) to go on a small rant about lulzshit.

Recently I've started playing chess again. Why? I have not the slightest fcking idea, if anyone else does, feel free to hit me up and explain it to me, because I really have no idea. And by again I mean, for the first time seriously. I learned to play when I was younger and played the odd game every now and again, but never more than like once a week at best so, yeah, never really that into it. But now I am, for some completely unknown reason, and not surprisingly: I suck.

Although I've noticed it's allowed me to make a comparison between how I tend to deal w/ life in general and how it's actually pretty well mirrored in Chess. I've noticed I can't really see too far into chess, at best five turns, or if I get lucky 10, but when I look that far into it, I tend to overlook a whole ton of crap which usually leads me to getting destroyed because I lost sight of the board. And I also don't really play to win, I just play to stagnate the game for as long as I can, just overwhelm the little moves and pull off one or two really good moves usually centered around initiating a massive tradeoff or trapping their queen and slaughtering it like a little piggy. In other words: pretty single minded playing.

Which is, in no short way, how I tend to deal w/ and think about right. Pretty single minded when I get focused on a goal, or when I look at the bigger picture I shit bricks and become unable to move... I don't really plan to... succeed? Excel? in any one area or thing in life, I just aim to make the little moments as enjoyable as possible. Kill the boredom in between, let the end be what it will be. The destination isn't what matters, but it's the path that makes all the difference. That kind of thing you get me? Granted, that kind of thinking leads me down some lulzy paths in life, but hey, at least it's better than doing nothing at all like I would otherwise do >_>

I dunno, I've noticed that not only do I not just think that far, I sabotage myself and never really give me a chance to succeed. Let those qualified and deserving of it to have a fulfilling life and let them reach their goals (just like in chess, let the others have their victory, just give me my two minutes of glory) just let me have my choice on how to get there. I dunno, often times I don't think I should succeed, and many other times I realize I'm making a stupid choice and I know I shouldn't because it's going to fuck me over.... But I end up making it anyways, sometimes for that same damn reason. Same way w/ chess.

What is it with me and finding hidden meanings and comparisons in everything lately? Can anyone explain this shit to me?

New Story Idea?

I had an idea for a new story, except if I start it, this one, I will have to finish, and sort of want to get some feedback first (Horrible place to ask for it right? Lulzghostsreadingthisareawesome) anyways, here's the info:

Teenage main character, goes by the name of Paul Endri, 18years old, senior in high school but not graduating due to a variety of reasons, not the least of which is an overwhelming amount of absences. His life roughly revolves around his band which was a major catalyst behind his basically dropping out of high school. Only thing is, he's the only one in his band that didn't graduate, and isn't going off to college or the military, so he'll be forced to fend for himself. Curerntly residing in his friend's, Mike, apartment. Mike is part of the band, the bassist, and shipping off to the military in a few month's time, at which point Paul will have to look for a cheaper place that is willing to accept him as a tenant. To add to the downfall of his mental sanity, the chick of his dreams that he'd been trying hard for over a year to impress turned him down rather painfully, and since his only real skill is playing a guitar, he can't get a job.

When he begins to realize exactly how screwed he is, his sanity starts to visually degrade as he pulls Hamlet-esque soul-searching scenes while at the same time growing increasingly aggressive. Part of it culminates in what could be called a massive brawl between him and his bandmates, intiated by him of course, picking a fight with all of them out of his own desperation. A couple hours afters the fact, the four band members (well three, one's completely out of it in a pot-induced coma) are now calming down, when Tom, the pothead drummer of the band says something:

-Tom:"Y'know man, it's like god's a dj you know?"
-Paul(Protagonist, Guitarist):"Shut up Tom, you're high again!"
-Tom:"I'm serious man! Ever been to a gig where all they play is those songs that just drive you insane and screw with your head? Well its sort of like that... Except the playlist being played is really bad luck for you man."
-Paul:"Mike, tell him he's too high to make any fucking sense would ya?"
-Mike(Bassist):"I dunno dude, it sorta makes sense, you're forced to dance to the tunes the dj plays, and if he plays a bunch of shitty ones in a row, then what can you do about it y'know?"
-Paul:"Christ Mike, you too?"
-Tom:"Just think about it man! It's like the shitty hand you were just talking about is god's playlist."
-Mike:"Y'know I hate to agree with Tom on much of anything, especially when he's on a couple dozen pounds of that shit, but I think the 'lil idiot's on to something."
-Paul:"Even if he is right with that stupid little bit of info? What the hell am I supposed to do with it Mike? Dress it up and call it my barbie and play with it? Jesus christ Mike, we're not kids anymore - It's not like I can just storm the stage and play my own damn songs..."

And from there it just sort of.. grows. The scene outlined stands out strongly in my head and I can actually visualize that one scene, and various others throughout the plot, but meh.

Questions, ideas, suggestions, comments, anything?

Music Timez

So, in lieu of a rant or some depressing shit, here's a music update...

Fourth Drink Instinct - By Cute is what we aim for
Endless - by Etro Anime
Purest One - by Etro Anime
The Clincher - by Chevelle
All Along the Watchtower - by God (AKA: Jimmy Hendrix)

At the time when it happens, you do mean it

So, I decided to post something up here from an assignment for AP Lit... It's sorta foolish and lawlzy, not gonna lie, but I think that an extra +1 on the subject that I think I've already dedicated like... three posts to, won't hurt. So yeah.... Anyways, the assignment was to, from the given list of quotes, to think of event that a quote reminds us of, and then to write a poem, passage, or "written musing" on the event and it's relevance to the quote... The quote was the title of this post... "At the time when it happens, you do mean it" from 1984 and I was doing a written musing on it... Anyways, here goes a copy/pasta, be warned: It's Lengthy. 

Basically (and this is a written “musing”) part of being a teenager is sort of that you make stupid choices and as a senior in high school more often than not it means one of the last few “carte blanc” periods that one has to make stupid choices. It would be safe to say that out of all those, very few are meant, but the ones that are, tend to be unintentionally stupid choices.

What is actually a pretty recent action could be said to be a… stupid decision, in retrospect. I mean, it was jumping the guns by leaps and bounds, not going to bother denying that. And sure, it wasn’t the most thought out of ideas, but given the chance to go back and re-do it, ten times out of ten: I would. Because, literally, at the time, I meant it and I’d be lying to myself if I said that what I feel and think now is similar to my thoughts at the time. It’d be erroneus to state that even now I regret the original action, sure I wish the later course and the snowballing that occurred would have been better accounted for and dealt with; But that original spark will forever be true at that point in time.

Looking back at it now, I realize that it was a pretty hardheaded idea, and why it even occurred to me in the first place, or why I went along with it – being that the only other accomplice was my own sanity – but it was, for all it’s faults, events that I enjoyed and really think needed to have happened, for better or for worse. I’d be wrong if I even began to believe that the ultimate consequences make up for any gains that may have occurred, and sure later on down the line the whole event may seem silly and I’d take back even what I write now; But wouldn’t that just be proof of the quote, and it’s meanings?

I mean I lost any chance at getting to know better someone whom I think genuinely has to be one of the most… entertaining? - Dunno the exact word for it… Great to hang out with? The phrase works, but not grammaticaly, but I digress - I have ever met, and one whom I strongly think I could have been at least close friends with. Which is saying something for one such as me, who is wary of those he calls friends, but I can’t help but know this much for a cold, hard, fact. Even after the event neither of us can deny that the chance existed, and the more hopeful wandering thoughts would like to believe they still do,  but the facts are what they are, emotions (or lack thereof) removed from the equation.

When I asked her out after only knowing her a few weeks, and the awesome times we had, I fully meant it, and what I said to her at the time. Now, sure, they may have just been said in the euphoria and I realize this, but my cognitive interpretation of my actions now don’t change the facts from the past. They don’t change that every word I was saying, at the time, and albeit deluded and slightly brain-dead (Thank you, AP classes), were totally heartfelt and honest.

Like I said, later on down the line I may come to view even the impulse as foolish, but that would just serve to place greater value behind the truth of this quote in at least this, foolish aspect.

Come one Come All

K well, Am I really the only one that got it? First time looking at the lyrics and it just jumped out at me, but apparently no one else gets it, so it might just be a figment of my imagination, but either way, here goes an attempt to explain some of my idiocy. This time, regarding the song I previously linked to, Come one, Come all, by All Time Low and it's lyrics, found Here

Putting the chorus aside for a second, isn't it entirely obvious that the DJ = God/Overruling Power/Govt, the "Playlist" or "Station" = Fate/Destiny/Norms/etc. Not really that big a stretch right? It's a song about a guy whose fucking had it with what life says should happen and decides to break out on his own... At least, that's what I think, no? I mean sure, blame Vivian, but, meh. You can't say it's a huge leap, it's right there, everything you need. Sure, I might have been too quick to spot since it roughly fits perfectly with my Fates frame of my mind as of late, and sure, it's a bit too close to home and I heard it just after having similar thoughts, but srsly? I'm not going too insane yet... Am I?

-Random Post Because I can [After All, Nobody Reads This Shit]

Ghost Town Much?

So I think it's safe to say that nobody checks here huh? I could spill out the secrets of the universe on here and not a damn soul would know... Cool? I mean, the dust accumulates at an astonishing speed and the weird creaking noises in here tell me that there's ghosts, but not much else... Unless Freddy or Jason decided to drop by, which would be both awesome and scary all at the same time. Whatever, guess I'll treat it like I would say a diary perhaps? Although y'know what that's just sad, an 18 year old guy even pretending to be keeping a diary, what the hell? Jesus Christ, that is seriously sad. Oh well, another to add to the list I guess - Wait, there's a list? Since when is there a list of these things? Why was I not made aware of it? And what exactly is on said list?! You know what, nevermind, sheisse, I'll just pretend it doesn't exist. Better for my sanity that way right?

I was going to say something.... Oh! That's right, more of the usual: Absolutely nothing of any true importance.

Gonna throw up a link to my (latest) and from the looks of it: first professional, writing project: Found over yonder at deviant art. I honestly think it's mediocre at best, teacher's are telling me otherwise so, what the hey. Might help w/ advertising and critique if I actually you know... posted links, had friends, spread the word, etc, but you know what? I cba. Which is counterproductive I know, but so's life. Anyways, for the ghosts and bots that lurk this blog, feel free to waste more of your nonexistent time on the borefest I linked. It'll end up being really long, probably.

Sort of unrelated, but not really: Wish I could re-do this year, fuck, I'll take past two weeks, but prob. this whole (school) year deserves a good re-doing, although I gotta say... 2010 has been a lot of things but boring is not a word I could use, which I guess is a step up from the past... five years? Minus '08... But that's the redheaded stepchild that nobody likes, ended up dying, and is now rotting in the attic while everyone pretends the smell of decaying flesh doesn't exist. Like this blog! (See, I told you it was related.)

One of the biggest things I wish I could redo was the whole... college situation... Not sure how I stand financially for Tampa at the moment, I don't think I'll get the Parental Loan so that'll end up leaving me at... 29, 28 grand? Since I'm not going to be getting bright futures... Looks like I'll need to find some way to make up the remaining 3, 4 grand. So much for full ride eh? Fuck it, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it I guess...

Oh yeah, song link of the day ('cuz I can): To The Rats by Trivium which is a song that is both awesome, and the lyrics, when applied to the right persons, are so meaningful.

Seriously considering making this not unlike a diary... Nobody would mind right? Certainly not the pink arabian leprechaun that reads this, right?

Just realized this post flowed like a cheap whore in the down town... >_>' Fixed-ish.

Music Update Time?

K well, some updates to the music tab on the right 'cuz I can.

First up I'm throwing up an All Time Low song. Since last friday (the 14th) I was meaning to check them out, but me being a lazy, forgetful, bum never got around to it till friday morning when grooveshark just started blasting them for some unknown reason. A couple songs came on I liked, checked the artist, ironic that it turned out to be them, then just sorta kept on listening to their shit... Lulz? I think So. So Anyways the song is Come one, Come All - By All Time Low. Sidenote, is it me, or is the DJ in the song really supposed to mean god or some other all controlling power? If not, I blame AP Lit and Vivian >_>'

Secondly, Rooftops by Mest and third, similarly titled Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast) by Lost Prophets which both have a similar meaning, same genre, and equally badass. Yes, I am aware the second was on GH4. No, I don't care.

Fourth, another GH Song, because I can. Closer by Lacuna Coil is a pretty awesome song by a pretty badass band. Pretty different from the past two, but eh, still entertaining. Nice sound, nice lyrics, overall winnage.

Fifth, for another drastic turn in genre, Victoria's Secret by Sonata Artica and no, it has nothing to do with the skimpy image that came into your head when you saw the name. Honestly one of my favorite bands, their sound is pretty badass and close to Nightwish, but slightly softer and better lyrics. In this particular instance, the lyrics are pretty interesting and uh, can/can not mean a lot to you depending on how you view it xD

-Still Talking to Myself Aren't I?

Meh

Some /really/ long days are behind me, and surely in front of me, but meh. Actually for that matter, not even sure people're actually reading this, but hey, w/e. It's better than sitting in a corner talking to myself, right? Right...

Anyways, I think one of the biggest casualties of these past few days/weeks has to be what I at least, when thinking clearly and relatively stress free, consider to have been an absolutely awesome opportunity to become good/close friends with a chick that I honestly think would have no doubt ended up being really good friends with, at least. My inability to cope with life and brash impulsiveness however, completely ruined those chances, miserably. It sucks, really, truly someone I'd have liked to have gotten to know better, but given current circumstances, I don't think she can even stomach to talk to me anymore. Sucks, but C'est la vie, no? I think that will hold to be one of my biggest regrets this year, seriously, but I think having gotten to known her in the brief circumstances I did will have to suffice.

Yes, you either know who the chick I'm talking about is, or you don't, either way, good for you. No I'm not going to explain what happened on here, at least not for now. Was I sincere in the actions that led up to my insanity? At the time, yes. Currently? I can't deny that the thought wouldn't cross my mind, but I took it to an extreme that looking back at it now, shenaniganry was occuring. Meh. It took me a while to realize this, but I think I always knew, probably. Yay for brash, impulsive actions? >_> At least I was the only casualty this time xD

Also, side-note, I seem to have grown some weird... admiration? obsession? with the Greek fates lately. Link to find out what I'm talking about is here. And basically, something about the thought that our destines, although supposedly "set in stone" or in this case, fabric, can, theoretically, be changed in a very tangible way seems to have garnered a hold of my creative attention lately, and I find myself wanting to write about it... A young man who seems to be the victim of a particularly cruel joke on the Fate's parts and decides to fight back against the gods themselves to set his life right. Taking down the sisters that even Zeus feared with his own hands... Dunno, just my insanity maybe? Something about the whole idea is alluring to me...

Also, yay for cathartic, yet involuntary actions >_>'

K well, I dunno why the blog is acting up and why it's doing that shittiness, but to prevent the massively huge wall-o-text, I've put the previous content of the post (AP USH 2006 Exam MC) over on a different link till I can find out why it's decided to throw a tantrum on me.

Link: http://abrecaneyndrill.deviantart.com/journal/32345669/

Basically

I think it's... Funny.

I wonder how many times I've been kicked down and have had to start back up. And I know all too well how much it sucks to end up deeper behind than you were when you started. And sure, it's normal to give up, it's also easier. So many people get hung up and cry over the past. I never quite saw the point in it. Life sucks, get over it. If I settled and accepted every failure, I would be a wreck all the time, a NEET by all meanings of the word, but I didn't, and I don't. Sure, I suffer setbacks, even enough to make me think maybe I'm supposed to be back there, but if I give in to that, then I make sure my life will be a failure. Success is a fact, Failure is a choice...

Random thought, sort of relating to my shitty "Fight" Poem

Fight

Fight

An entire life of fighting
Has led only to despair
Relentless uphill battles
Culminating in naught but suffering.

So what would you say
To someone whose life is tainted
by defeats, losses and sorrows.
Who refuses to learn his lesson?

You would ask him
"Why do you torture yourself?
When you could give up and stop the pain."
As he falls down for the millionth time

"Torture?" Disbelieving
he would ask of you instead.
"Why would this be any sort of suffering?
I choose to climb up of my own will."

"But you get hurt every time you fall,
Maimed and Injured, has life taught you nothing?"
You would ask the pup,
worried for his health.

With a hearty laugh, he would turn
"The only suffering here would be if I stopped
You may be willing to settle,
But I know beyond lies happiness"

"Nonsense!"
Scared, anyone would look at him,
Pitying his foolishness,
Warning him of the folly he spoke.

But to him, it was no fib,
No myth of eras past,
But as tangible a truth as the world around
And a truth he would die for.

"I started down there,"
he pointed down at the abyss below,
"And have fallen down many times,
And will continue to do so.
As long as it takes to succeed"

"But why?"

"We are not happy with the lot,
we had to deal with in life,
so I decided to make my own lot.
Climb forever and a day if I must,
but success will be mine."

"Fool! Have you no sense?"

"Aye, I have sense.
Sense enough to tell me that
the only true torture is staying
I will succeed.
I have to succeed.
For I will not stop till I do."

Not good with poetry, at all, but decided to write something anyways. It's meaning is obvious, there's a meaning for the structure as well, and pretty much it is what it is. Shitty eh?

Oh yeah, so

Realizing there's a lot of songs I like and I want to post up somewhere from time to time, I threw up the lil thing on the right side with just that. It won't be more than five at a time, and I started it off with The Juliana Theory which is an old-ish(late90s) punk band? They tend to lurk my playlist and go weeks without showing up, but when they show up I remember how badass they are so. Truly one of my favorite bands, both in sound and lyrics. Their sound is, unique, their vocalist is pretty awesome and in general a good band. But anyways, here they are, for your listening (dis)pleasure, just look at the top right (or you know, use last.fm/youtube if you're interested) and click away.

Za Future?

So, this is sort of a thought I've wanted to express for a while. I recently partially said it to Mari, but it was too... circumstantial and fleeting to hold much water. And I'll admit at the time I was trying a 'lil bit too hard? But meh, the thought still holds true.

A lot of people live in fear of what the future will bring, in fear of acting a certain way because of how the future will play out. They try to "predict the future" and gauge their actions accordingly, as if believing the future to be this unalterable event that will happen no matter what, and what will be, will be. They are afraid to act outside a way that will affect this sure event to an extent that almost scares me sometime. People give themselves up to inevitable futures and never try to do anything about it.

I say fuck it. The future is nothing but the sum of all our actions. So why should we fear it and act towards what we believe the future will be? Sure, there may be high probabilities for a certain event to occur, but you can still change it, or prevent it even. The future is decided today. Our actions determine what will be of the future, and only we determine what will come of it, so why are we so adverse to it? If our choices dictate our future, then whether or not it's good or bad is in our hands. Planning for the future can be pointless, because no one can tell you what it will be for sure, they can only make you conscious of the pieces they intend to add to the puzzle. A puzzle which is entirely in our control, so whose to say we can't force it to swing in a favorable direction?

If you fear what a certain action will do later on down the line, it's imperative to ask yourself why that action has to lead to that event. Like I said, it's the sum of ALL our actions. If we make one wrong choice, we can still make up for it. If we make one choice for the sake of something that may impair us in some way, we can make the best of it and turn it into a plus, it's all a matter of how we choose to act. Actions and our perceptions of reality ARE reality, so it's pointless to give up, because true defeat is only possible when you give up. If you keep on fighting for a desirable outcome, then whose to say it won't happen? But you need to start moving towards it yourself, nobody else can do it for you, and it won't happen by itself. Sure, certain events which occur because of others may sometimes put a hinder in our plans, but whether or not we get stuck on them is entirely our call.

If life has you down, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. Keep on pushing, for nobody but you can tell you what lays beyond.

Lol Wut?

I'll randomly throw shit up here, dunno if I'll link anyone individually or even care enough to update it, but for now it exists. At any rate, I might fix up the thing a bit more visually later, maybe make my own layout, but, later, for now, ef that. Feel free to expect anything from me on here, random thoughts, saying from the top of my head, links to song I feel like linking, what the fuck ever. If I use it, it'll be pretty spammy so >_>'

So yeah. Thats that. If you don't know me, then, tough? Why're you even here then? Go off and do something productive xD