SO...
I currently sit here a mess and a half... I want to beg for help, and hope someone can help me out but I know it's futile. B/c the help I need only I can give myself, and as much as I may need others... I won't accept it, ever. So I'll remain this dark, confused, messy, shell of what once was a human forever, but I realized something...
Maybe, instead of fixing a lost cause, I should try to spend my life dedicated to helping others avoid the same mistakes I made. Teach parents not to let their children follow similar paths to me, or if they want to provide social outlets and learning centers, make it easier for others to avoid this path I follow, because anything that might be considered remotely similar... would suck, seriously would...
I figure if I can't fix my own self, and my own past... Maybe I can fix others' tomorrow you know?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Hah!
Right... So... Yeah it's been quiet and yeah I haven't finsihed/uploaded the story so far... This past week or two have been like the equivalent of hell-in-a-rollercoaster, so to say I have been constantly feeling exhausted is an understatement and to say that my mind has been everywhere but earth would be a pretty accurate statement >_>
Graduation, chick issues, and me and my usual insanity has left my drained, although I'm hoping to be able to finish it and update a bit more here so... yeah...
In the mean time, twenty bucks to whomever can tell me what this is from:
Graduation, chick issues, and me and my usual insanity has left my drained, although I'm hoping to be able to finish it and update a bit more here so... yeah...
In the mean time, twenty bucks to whomever can tell me what this is from:
The ending to your story has been written in blood,
and the beginning of mine was penned in tears
Whose each belongs to not even the fates know
And no god will take our words back, no hope will save
us from the neverending hell we entered, without even
knowing the truth behind our teenage dreams.
The road of our dreams was destroyed by despair,
and any future either of us had was done in by the unknown.
So now all we can do is ask if it was worth it,
letting something so great turn into something so horrible
not even worst sinners would dare repeat our actions.
Was any of it ever true?
The long nights spent dreaming about tomorrow
and the long days we wished would never end,
were they all a dream of mines? Or were they
the child of your misconceptions.
The ending to your story has been written blood
and the beginning of mine was penned in tears,
and it's too late to worry about why or how,
or who was at fault. We're now doomed to hell
together after all, so tell me: was it worth it?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Life is... o_o
So another rant, ish, type thing... At least, there was supposed to be one here. There was something I really wanted to post here, but I seem to have forgotten, or at least, it's decided to hide from my conscious mind >_>' Then again, this usually happens to the number of actually intelligent thoughts that cross my head on the walk home; they get forgotten the second I open the door to my room. FML.
Anyways, This year is now almost halfway over, and HOLY JESUS CHRIST IN HELL has it been one heck of a year so far, seriously. Calling it a rocket-propelled rollercoaster through hell wouldn't even begin to describe how wild it's been, the ups, the downs, the weird-wtfs, everything, and the best part is: The best has yet to come. So, fun crap, and it's only getting better, but I think it's gonna peak next week and then summer will be nothing but a never ending source of boredom till I go off to uni.
I'ma try to make it less boring, but chances of succeeding are slim so, meh. Worse comes to worse, I'll spend the summer catching up on anime, games, and enjoying what it feels like to be able to not give a rats ass for as long as I can: Plus a job, hopefully. Besides, I'll probably be shitting bricks all summer over what will come in the fall so, lawlz.
Oh, remembered part of it. I think I really don't want the (school) year to end, because on top of the fact I really don't want to graduate (yet) I feel I'll lose contact with a few individuals I've met that I really wish I could keep talking to. Knowing how I am, and knowing the fact I may be on the other side of the pond for the first semester of freshman year, it's likely to happen, and it would suck. Because over the past few days I realized that I jumped the gun (AGAIN, holy shit, records are being set aren't they?) and the chick who I thought wouldn't talk to me, in fact is; And I enjoy talking to her, a lot, I don't want to lose that, but we'll see.
There's a couple more, and they know who they are, that I'll no doubt miss but one of them's likely not to stop texting me :P and the other... I dunno :/ we'll have to see how it goes. I dunno, I just feel like it's happening too quickly and too soon after I actually managed to make friends in this damn school for me to leave. I just hope the lessons I've learned this past year and a half hold true and stay in my mind for the next few years, hell knows I'll lead them.
Oh, well there goes the remainder of the rant into my head, just remembered, but this is getting long and boring enough so I'll save it for another time, that one is just mindless dribble so not much is lost, I'm sure.
Random Thought: It is easier to paint oneself an enemy of the world and pretend not to belong then it is to accept the truth and truly deal with it.
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." -Epicness
Anyways, This year is now almost halfway over, and HOLY JESUS CHRIST IN HELL has it been one heck of a year so far, seriously. Calling it a rocket-propelled rollercoaster through hell wouldn't even begin to describe how wild it's been, the ups, the downs, the weird-wtfs, everything, and the best part is: The best has yet to come. So, fun crap, and it's only getting better, but I think it's gonna peak next week and then summer will be nothing but a never ending source of boredom till I go off to uni.
I'ma try to make it less boring, but chances of succeeding are slim so, meh. Worse comes to worse, I'll spend the summer catching up on anime, games, and enjoying what it feels like to be able to not give a rats ass for as long as I can: Plus a job, hopefully. Besides, I'll probably be shitting bricks all summer over what will come in the fall so, lawlz.
Oh, remembered part of it. I think I really don't want the (school) year to end, because on top of the fact I really don't want to graduate (yet) I feel I'll lose contact with a few individuals I've met that I really wish I could keep talking to. Knowing how I am, and knowing the fact I may be on the other side of the pond for the first semester of freshman year, it's likely to happen, and it would suck. Because over the past few days I realized that I jumped the gun (AGAIN, holy shit, records are being set aren't they?) and the chick who I thought wouldn't talk to me, in fact is; And I enjoy talking to her, a lot, I don't want to lose that, but we'll see.
There's a couple more, and they know who they are, that I'll no doubt miss but one of them's likely not to stop texting me :P and the other... I dunno :/ we'll have to see how it goes. I dunno, I just feel like it's happening too quickly and too soon after I actually managed to make friends in this damn school for me to leave. I just hope the lessons I've learned this past year and a half hold true and stay in my mind for the next few years, hell knows I'll lead them.
Oh, well there goes the remainder of the rant into my head, just remembered, but this is getting long and boring enough so I'll save it for another time, that one is just mindless dribble so not much is lost, I'm sure.
Random Thought: It is easier to paint oneself an enemy of the world and pretend not to belong then it is to accept the truth and truly deal with it.
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." -Epicness
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
K well.
Taking a break atm from the character bios for my latest story (I wanted to get these done first because more so than my usual writing, this one is almost entirely character-centric so I thought if I can get them hammered out in my head I can make 'em flow a bit better later on) to go on a small rant about lulzshit.
Recently I've started playing chess again. Why? I have not the slightest fcking idea, if anyone else does, feel free to hit me up and explain it to me, because I really have no idea. And by again I mean, for the first time seriously. I learned to play when I was younger and played the odd game every now and again, but never more than like once a week at best so, yeah, never really that into it. But now I am, for some completely unknown reason, and not surprisingly: I suck.
Although I've noticed it's allowed me to make a comparison between how I tend to deal w/ life in general and how it's actually pretty well mirrored in Chess. I've noticed I can't really see too far into chess, at best five turns, or if I get lucky 10, but when I look that far into it, I tend to overlook a whole ton of crap which usually leads me to getting destroyed because I lost sight of the board. And I also don't really play to win, I just play to stagnate the game for as long as I can, just overwhelm the little moves and pull off one or two really good moves usually centered around initiating a massive tradeoff or trapping their queen and slaughtering it like a little piggy. In other words: pretty single minded playing.
Which is, in no short way, how I tend to deal w/ and think about right. Pretty single minded when I get focused on a goal, or when I look at the bigger picture I shit bricks and become unable to move... I don't really plan to... succeed? Excel? in any one area or thing in life, I just aim to make the little moments as enjoyable as possible. Kill the boredom in between, let the end be what it will be. The destination isn't what matters, but it's the path that makes all the difference. That kind of thing you get me? Granted, that kind of thinking leads me down some lulzy paths in life, but hey, at least it's better than doing nothing at all like I would otherwise do >_>
I dunno, I've noticed that not only do I not just think that far, I sabotage myself and never really give me a chance to succeed. Let those qualified and deserving of it to have a fulfilling life and let them reach their goals (just like in chess, let the others have their victory, just give me my two minutes of glory) just let me have my choice on how to get there. I dunno, often times I don't think I should succeed, and many other times I realize I'm making a stupid choice and I know I shouldn't because it's going to fuck me over.... But I end up making it anyways, sometimes for that same damn reason. Same way w/ chess.
What is it with me and finding hidden meanings and comparisons in everything lately? Can anyone explain this shit to me?
Recently I've started playing chess again. Why? I have not the slightest fcking idea, if anyone else does, feel free to hit me up and explain it to me, because I really have no idea. And by again I mean, for the first time seriously. I learned to play when I was younger and played the odd game every now and again, but never more than like once a week at best so, yeah, never really that into it. But now I am, for some completely unknown reason, and not surprisingly: I suck.
Although I've noticed it's allowed me to make a comparison between how I tend to deal w/ life in general and how it's actually pretty well mirrored in Chess. I've noticed I can't really see too far into chess, at best five turns, or if I get lucky 10, but when I look that far into it, I tend to overlook a whole ton of crap which usually leads me to getting destroyed because I lost sight of the board. And I also don't really play to win, I just play to stagnate the game for as long as I can, just overwhelm the little moves and pull off one or two really good moves usually centered around initiating a massive tradeoff or trapping their queen and slaughtering it like a little piggy. In other words: pretty single minded playing.
Which is, in no short way, how I tend to deal w/ and think about right. Pretty single minded when I get focused on a goal, or when I look at the bigger picture I shit bricks and become unable to move... I don't really plan to... succeed? Excel? in any one area or thing in life, I just aim to make the little moments as enjoyable as possible. Kill the boredom in between, let the end be what it will be. The destination isn't what matters, but it's the path that makes all the difference. That kind of thing you get me? Granted, that kind of thinking leads me down some lulzy paths in life, but hey, at least it's better than doing nothing at all like I would otherwise do >_>
I dunno, I've noticed that not only do I not just think that far, I sabotage myself and never really give me a chance to succeed. Let those qualified and deserving of it to have a fulfilling life and let them reach their goals (just like in chess, let the others have their victory, just give me my two minutes of glory) just let me have my choice on how to get there. I dunno, often times I don't think I should succeed, and many other times I realize I'm making a stupid choice and I know I shouldn't because it's going to fuck me over.... But I end up making it anyways, sometimes for that same damn reason. Same way w/ chess.
What is it with me and finding hidden meanings and comparisons in everything lately? Can anyone explain this shit to me?
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